Senior UKIP figures were last night deeply conflicted about their party’s official stance on the EU’s forthcoming ban on refillable olive oil bottles in restaurants.
“One the one hand”, sneered one ageing xenophobe, “this is precisely the kind of needlessly pernickety micro-management that we expect from the unaccountable Brussels Eurocrats”
“One the other hand”, the spokesman continued, stopping only to scowl disapprovingly at a disabled child, “olive oil is the sort of poncey foreign muck that’s ruining this country! Everywhere you turn there’s people drinking Chardonnay, eating bloody cous cous and drizzling olive oil on their limp-wristed potato salads. Whatever happened to a pint of bitter, a fag and a spot of casual racism over a Sunday roast?”
Chancellor George Osborne yesterday confirmed his “man of the people” status by excitedly announcing that Star Wars Episode VII is set to be made in the UK.
“The UK really is the perfect setting for the next film in this saga”, Mr Osborne may or may not have gone on to say, “It tells the story of a brave Imperial government making difficult decisions in the face of an insidious rebel threat”. Continue reading
A dejected Johann Lamont was advised yesterday that she “simply isn’t popular enough” to attract any vitriol on the internet. A senior Labour advisor sat the “Scottish” Labour “leader” down and advised that she would have to become a far bigger player on the political scene if she was ever to receive negative attention.
“Unfortunately for Ms Lamont”, the adviser told this website, “she simply isn’t a big enough deal to arouse any particularly strong feelings. Maybe if she was any kind of electoral threat, or if she was a formidable opponent in parliament then someone might eventually decide to send some abuse, but I really can’t see it happening.”
Darth Vader, chairman of the Galactic Empire’s “Better Together” campaign, today warned Ewoks that removing the controversial Death Star from their homeworld of Endor would result in the loss of thousands of jobs.
“The Rebel threat has not gone away”, warned Lord Vader in his regular Daily Mail column, “In terms of uncertainty and potential risk it has, if anything, increased. What’s more, moving the Death Star to another location would come at the cost of thousands of jobs, which would be devastating to the local economy”. Continue reading
Now, we’ve heard of rehabilitation of offenders, but letting them stage a concert?
IT’S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD!
Judging by some of the other posts on this site, you might be forgiven for seeing me as some kind of seditious bounder, a treasonous jock with a disturbing Thomas Paine fetish. To tell the truth, you wouldn’t be entirely wrong.
However, in the interest of balance, allow me to take the side of our blue-blooded superiors for the duration of this post. Let me set aside my personal beliefs and offer some honest, heartfelt advice on how best to preserve that fine institution – the British Monarchy. Spoiler warning – it involves this guy… Continue reading
Friends, relatives and former servants of the Dark Lord Sauron today blasted organisers of a string of parties planned to coincide with the former statesman’s funeral. Social networks have been abuzz with men, elves, dwarves and hobbits planning impromptu celebrations, with many planned to coincide with Sauron’s official funeral, held today in Barad-Dur.
David Edwards, pictured in 1987
“Today is not a day to revel in the death of another being”, sighed David Edwards, former Communications Director under Sauron’s leadership, “Whatever your political views, we can all agree that we should set our differences aside and think of the family that have lost a relative”.