A visibly disappointed Bono announced earlier today that U2 will not be appearing at this year’s G8 summit in Enniskillen due to creative differences. The move comes as a surprise, given the Irish rock band’s fondness for using similar events to promote their albums in the past.
“Obviously we’d like to apologise to our fans, who were no doubt expecting a big U2 announcement to coincide with G8″, explained Bono, “But ultimately we just couldn’t agree on the most appropriate way to capitalise on the event this time around”
The Better Together campaign proudly unveiled their newest leaflet today, a masterpiece of minimalist design that simply reads “AAARGH!”. The bold new design has been praised by prominent unionists who believe that Yes Scotland will struggle to respond to the stinging attack.
“The new leaflet really is our entire argument in a short, sharp burst”, explained former Labour MP Brian Wilson.
“We realised that our current tactic of throwing as much shit around as possible seemed to be working”, began Labour’s “Uncle” Tom Harris, “so this seemed to be the logical next step.” Continue reading
Operatives at GCHQ are bored senseless by monitoring the banal, tedious internet activities of UK citizens, a whistleblower revealed yesterday. Top complaints by those involved with the US-run Prism programme include appalling spelling and grammar, an endless parade of heavily filtered photographs and the sheer volume of vacuous celebrity gossip passed between friends.
“I signed up expecting to be James Bond, drinking my way around the world and seducing exotic femmes fatales”, explained Timothy Moore, junior online operative for GCHQ, “So you can imagine how disappointing it’s been to spend my days trawling the Facebook pages of UK citizens.”
“I’ve honestly never come across such a tedious, self obsessed bunch of cretins in my life as the British public. Honestly, if it’s not outraged indignation at the latest episode of Britain’s Got Talent, it’s self portraits, LOLcats and complaints about the new Facebook layout.” Continue reading
A visibly shaken Taliban spokesman today announced that the Islamists will now seek to force Scottish males to wear the burqa on sunny days. The proclamation came after several senior clerics attempted to enjoy a barbecue in the Meadows, only to have their experience ruined by a non-stop parade of sweaty, sunburned, half naked Scotsmen.
“It was really disgusting”, explained Omar, 58, from Kabul, “We were trying to have a pleasant afternoon, but instead spent all day dodging frisbees thrown with wilful abandon by these utterly bizarre creatures with lobster red arms and faces but chests whiter than an anaemic snowman”. Continue reading
Hundreds of foreign-born Scots yesterday expressed concern that, one day, their children may grow up to become like Margaret Curran.
“It just really worries me that my child might grow up, join the Labour club at university and develop all sorts of horrible, narrow British nationalist views”, said Sean Robinson, a 30-year-old Dubliner currently living in Dundee.
“It’s a real concern”, said Sylvia Warowski, originally from Krakow, “My children have a really good life just now, but I worry that they might eventually become dangerously obsessed with border controls, passports and nonsense like that. I try my best to bring them up as internationalists, but I just can’t help but wonder if one day they’ll start speaking like that horrible, xenophobic woman”. Continue reading
Radical Islamic preachers last night admitted that their plans have been thrown into disarray after the latest intervention by the English Defence League.
Chairs, tables and quiz machines were all damaged in a Bristol pub last night as a group of EDL members took direct action against the much-loved Islamic institution. Members of the far-right group then demonstrated their loyalty to the British state by starting a running battle with mounted police.
“Of course, the city centre pub is a crucial cultural institution for us”, explained a passing Imam, “Second only to the bacon roll van of course! If the bright sparks in the EDL continue to hinder our access to cheap lager then we may as well give up on our entire faith”.
“We thought long and hard about the most effective way to protest about the Islamicisation of our country”, explained an EDL spokesman, modelling the new Jacomo summer 2013 range, “But of course our terms of reference don’t really stretch beyond shit lager and football violence.”
The agent representing the Woolwich murderers released a statement earlier today praising the glowing media coverage granted to his clients.
“We were all really surprised when we saw the front pages this morning”, said the spokesman, “We expected the usual negative coverage that tends to follow events like these, so imagine our surprise when nearly every newspaper in the UK gave us a full-page photo”.
“We were especially pleased with The Guardian’s headline, You Will Never Be Safe, although special mention should go to The Telegraph’s An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. We won’t stop fighting you until you leave us alone.“
“Really, if we had tried to make ourselves an amazing motivational poster we couldn’t have done half as good a job as those front pages”.
Senior UKIP figures were last night deeply conflicted about their party’s official stance on the EU’s forthcoming ban on refillable olive oil bottles in restaurants.
“One the one hand”, sneered one ageing xenophobe, “this is precisely the kind of needlessly pernickety micro-management that we expect from the unaccountable Brussels Eurocrats”
“One the other hand”, the spokesman continued, stopping only to scowl disapprovingly at a disabled child, “olive oil is the sort of poncey foreign muck that’s ruining this country! Everywhere you turn there’s people drinking Chardonnay, eating bloody cous cous and drizzling olive oil on their limp-wristed potato salads. Whatever happened to a pint of bitter, a fag and a spot of casual racism over a Sunday roast?”
Chancellor George Osborne yesterday confirmed his “man of the people” status by excitedly announcing that Star Wars Episode VII is set to be made in the UK.
“The UK really is the perfect setting for the next film in this saga”, Mr Osborne may or may not have gone on to say, “It tells the story of a brave Imperial government making difficult decisions in the face of an insidious rebel threat”. Continue reading
A dejected Johann Lamont was advised yesterday that she “simply isn’t popular enough” to attract any vitriol on the internet. A senior Labour advisor sat the “Scottish” Labour “leader” down and advised that she would have to become a far bigger player on the political scene if she was ever to receive negative attention.
“Unfortunately for Ms Lamont”, the adviser told this website, “she simply isn’t a big enough deal to arouse any particularly strong feelings. Maybe if she was any kind of electoral threat, or if she was a formidable opponent in parliament then someone might eventually decide to send some abuse, but I really can’t see it happening.”