A visibly disappointed Bono announced earlier today that U2 will not be appearing at this year’s G8 summit in Enniskillen due to creative differences. The move comes as a surprise, given the Irish rock band’s fondness for using similar events to promote their albums in the past.

“Obviously we’d like to apologise to our fans, who were no doubt expecting a big U2 announcement to coincide with G8″, explained Bono, “But ultimately we just couldn’t agree on the most appropriate way to capitalise on the event this time around”

“I wanted to write a bunch of new tunes, mumble a bit about some non-specific political change and release a special edition EP with a crudely photoshopped picture of Obama hugging Putin on the cover”

“The thing is, Edge was dead against that. He wanted to look back at MakePovertyHistory and the impact we made in 2005. I can see his point, to be honest. We did a world tour that year and the extra exposure at Live 8 really helped our ticket sales. Of course, Larry Mullen had yet another idea, which was to go right back to 1985 and release a compilation of all our political songs since Live Aid”

“In the end, we just couldn’t agree on the best way to involve ourselves in the summit, so we’ve decided just to drop it. I’ll no doubt be at the World Economic Forum in Davos soon enough, so we’ll make sure we have a new single out in time for that”

Rumours have been spreading around Enniskillen that Bob Geldof has been approached to fill the vacant “self important tosser with no right to be there” position in Bono’s absence.

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“The new leaflet really is our entire argument in a short, sharp burst”, explained former Labour MP Brian Wilson.

“We realised that our current tactic of throwing as much shit around as possible seemed to be working”, began Labour’s “Uncle” Tom Harris, “so this seemed to be the logical next step.”

Inside sources have suggested that the next stage of the campaign will involve knocking on doors and screaming directly into the faces of voters.

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“I signed up expecting to be James Bond, drinking my way around the world and seducing exotic femmes fatales”, explained Timothy Moore, junior online operative for GCHQ, “So you can imagine how disappointing it’s been to spend my days trawling the Facebook pages of UK citizens.”

“I’ve honestly never come across such a tedious, self obsessed bunch of cretins in my life as the British public. Honestly, if it’s not outraged indignation at the latest episode of Britain’s Got Talent, it’s self portraits, LOLcats and complaints about the new Facebook layout.”  

“The only remotely interesting thing I find is how upset people are at the thought of being spied on. The sad thing is, they genuinely think that someone like me gives a shit about what pub they checked into on Friday night or how many photographs they take of themselves pouting in the bathroom mirror.”

“In fact, you could probably make a nice graph comparing how much people bitch and moan about privacy and government conspiracies with how interesting they actually are.”

“To make matters even worse, I was working late on Monday night so I missed the last Game of Thrones. Thanks so much for spoiling that one for me, internet!”

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“It was really disgusting”, explained Omar, 58, from Kabul, “We were trying to have a pleasant afternoon, but instead spent all day dodging frisbees thrown with wilful abandon by these utterly bizarre creatures with lobster red arms and faces but chests whiter than an anaemic snowman”.
“To make matters worse, the physical condition of some of these young men was appalling. Don’t get me started on the sweat. A couple of them brushed past me and my clothes still stink of salt and Stella Artois”.

So shocked were the Taliban by the offensive male semi-nudity that they have decided to shift their focus away from immodest females.

“We used to think that the sight of a woman’s bare legs was the most vile, filthy affront to Allah we could imagine. Well, having had the misfortune to see the sweaty man-breasts of Kenny and Rab from Penicuik, we’ve had a change of heart. From now on, we will dedicate our lives to ensuring that Scotsmen keep their bloody tops on when the temperature rises above 15 degrees”.

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“It just really worries me that my child might grow up, join the Labour club at university and develop all sorts of horrible, narrow British nationalist views”, said Sean Robinson, a 30-year-old Dubliner currently living in Dundee.

“It’s a real concern”, said Sylvia Warowski, originally from Krakow, “My children have a really good life just now, but I worry that they might eventually become dangerously obsessed with border controls, passports and nonsense like that. I try my best to bring them up as internationalists, but I just can’t help but wonder if one day they’ll start speaking like that horrible, xenophobic woman”.   

Ms Curran was unavailable for comment, having a prior engagement removing all Foreigner albums from her local HMV.

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Chairs, tables and quiz machines were all damaged in a Bristol pub last night as a group of EDL members took direct action against the much-loved Islamic institution. Members of the far-right group then demonstrated their loyalty to the British state by starting a running battle with mounted police.

“Of course, the city centre pub is a crucial cultural institution for us”, explained a passing Imam, “Second only to the bacon roll van of course! If the bright sparks in the EDL continue to hinder our access to cheap lager then we may as well give up on our entire faith”.

“We thought long and hard about the most effective way to protest about the Islamicisation of our country”, explained an EDL spokesman, modelling the new Jacomo summer 2013 range, “But of course our terms of reference don’t really stretch beyond shit lager and football violence.”

“Eventually we decided that drinking ten pints of Stella and smashing up a Wetherspoons was the best way to deal with the multicultural threat”

“Now if you don’t mind, I’m off to start a fight in a taxi queue before staggering home to watch Babestation on Freeview”

The man was last spotted being sick against a postbox.

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“We were all really surprised when we saw the front pages this morning”, said the spokesman, “We expected the usual negative coverage that tends to follow events like these, so imagine our surprise when nearly every newspaper in the UK gave us a full-page photo”.

“We were especially pleased with The Guardian’s headline, You Will Never Be Safe, although special mention should go to The Telegraph’s An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. We won’t stop fighting you until you leave us alone.“

“Really, if we had tried to make ourselves an amazing motivational poster we couldn’t have done half as good a job as those front pages”.

“The best thing about this is the fact that any hesitant young extremists can now be confident that acts like this are a guaranteed way to spout your ideology to the world. Plus, you get a pretty bad-ass photo to impress your friends”.

“One the one hand”, sneered one ageing xenophobe, “this is precisely the kind of needlessly pernickety micro-management that we expect from the unaccountable Brussels Eurocrats”

“One the other hand”, the spokesman continued, stopping only to scowl disapprovingly at a disabled child, “olive oil is the sort of poncey foreign muck that’s ruining this country! Everywhere you turn there’s people drinking Chardonnay, eating bloody cous cous and drizzling olive oil on their limp-wristed potato salads. Whatever happened to a pint of bitter, a fag and a spot of casual racism over a Sunday roast?”

“It all went wrong when we opened our borders, banned smoking in pubs and stopped stoning homosexuals. Make no mistake about it, the biggest threat to modern British society is definitely barely noticeable European regulations”.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage was unavailable for comment, as he remains in hiding in an undisclosed location in central Scotland.

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“The UK really is the perfect setting for the next film in this saga”, Mr Osborne may or may not have gone on to say, “It tells the story of a brave Imperial government making difficult decisions in the face of an insidious rebel threat”.

“You really have to admire the bravery and leadership shown in the Star Wars films”, the chancellor continued, “they refused to bow down to separatist threats and weren’t afraid to use their Death Star if anyone looked at them sideways”.

“Furthermore, if Darth Vader could run an Empire with no legs, no arms and reliant upon breathing apparatus, what the hell excuse do our disabled layabouts have for not going out and stacking shelves for Poundland?”

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A dejected Johann Lamont was advised yesterday that she “simply isn’t popular enough” to attract any vitriol on the internet. A senior Labour advisor sat the “Scottish” Labour “leader” down and advised that she would have to become a far bigger player on the political scene if she was ever to receive negative attention.

“Unfortunately for Ms Lamont”, the adviser told this website, “she simply isn’t a big enough deal to arouse any particularly strong feelings. Maybe if she was any kind of electoral threat, or if she was a formidable opponent in parliament then someone might eventually decide to send some abuse, but I really can’t see it happening.”

Ms Lamont was advised that it was perfectly natural for high-profile figures such as First Minister Alex Salmond to regularly be on the receiving end of obscene and threatening tweets, as such bile tends to be reserved for people with the power and influence to rile their opponents. Other prominent figures such as Deputy First Minister Nicola Sturgeon have also reported serious threats to the police, which is an unfortunate side effect of the prominence of their roles.

“Even people with little to do with politics seem to be getting in on the action”, the adviser continued, citing the (possibly fictional) abuse sent to comedienne Susan Calman.

Other reports suggest that Ms Lamont has been so desperate for attention that she recently travelled to Inverness to stand outside the SNP conference brandishing a photograph of Margaret Thatcher. Onlookers recalled that the overwhelming response to Ms Lamont’s protest was one of pity, with several attendees offering a comfy chair and a phone call to a loved one.

On a more positive note, Ms Lamont was approached by a young boy and asked for an autograph in Cumbernauld Shopping Centre last week. Unfortunately, the incident turned sour when the boy realised that Ms Lamont was not, in fact, Wee Jimmy Krankie.

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